Amy Billone
Paris to London ☊Before the train
plunges into the sea, I watch grazing deer and horses sprinting, green grape vines and high corn leaves, skinny full grown leaning trees beside baby saplings cradled in nets, fields of wheat, scattered rolls of hay, an ancient cathedral tower. French students smile, shout. They must have lived for thirteen years-- In their voices, such wild joy. I am sad to hear it. They laugh together, beautiful, young. (We pass another cathedral tower). The children practice English: I love you, but... one day...a boy says and a girl mimics him, giggling. Others repeat: I love you, but... one day...They laugh until their bodies shake. I see no people outside for hours. Only a solitary man, bald-headed like my father, leans shirtless over blades of grass. He must be far away from home. Then dancing sheep and goats and purple flowers. More youthful laughter: I love you, but... one day...My strange familiar grief, and still another old cathedral tower. First Words ☊The same way at five I stared from the tub
into my father’s terrified eyes after he broke the bathroom door to save me because I hadn’t heard his calls and as he shook my body to bring me back to life I laughed and told him I didn’t drown, the soap bubbles only filled my ears-- The same way at eight I looked into his gasping face after he leapt from a moving car because I lay sprawled on the grass by an upside-down bicycle and as he lifted me with shaking arms I said I hadn’t fallen but was writing a poem about how the clouds were really cotton candy—The same way at sixteen I crashed my car into a street light and fainted on the hardware store floor, then woke to see him gazing blankly at me from the doorway too frightened to remember the name of my hospital so I said it for him—The same way in my twenties I regained consciousness after a six and a half day coma because I jumped in front of a train I was so surprised to recognize my pale-cheeked father waiting like a marble statue by my side when we rarely talked and he lived in a distant city that I spoke my first words even though doctors had said if I survived I would never recover language: Hi Dad. 2 A.M.I heard terrorists
will destroy whole cities this country itself now I can’t sleep I hide under thick blankets arms around knees I want you to make pancakes I want to see eggs break I want to watch you stir and flip again again I will eat and eat them soft and swinging as spring sun your stomach beneath the ribs when I breathe your skin hot syrup on my lips and chin I will cover them with sliced bananas I will eat and eat them in the cold black night thinking cream yellow summer beaches I will lick our plates and drink from the silver mixing bowl until sweet batter drips down my face I won’t be afraid oh please I want you to |
Up the Mountaina group of cows
bending down to eat grass and flowers shakes bells the most enormous lifts her head and looks at me the path leads right beside her a metal hook on the wood door she looks at me I walk quickly eyes low shoulders heavy a crooked screech the opening gate her shifting tail and moving mouth the sweet wind my blowing hair as in the city for no reason I'm afraid she looks at me she looks at me End of SummerI have a mind that glistensglares
I have a mind that cartwheelsspins IhaveaIhaveaIhave a mind that stuttersstumbling but whirlwinding gathers speed this mind reachesforyou wanting this mind whispers to youbeckoning this mind longs for you to seeme knowme touchme I have a mind that yearns for yoursoftskin youreyelashes yourhands in my hair I have a mind that pleadsfor forgiveness oh suffering I have a mind thatoverflows my body can’t contain it I sit still I go nowhere I do nothing birdssweetlychatter green leaves rise and dip this sun is relentless these fragrant houses safeandyellow with porch swings and lavenderflowers I have a mind that behind my scarred head trainrumblesbreathlessly it is hot summer the glittering river waits for me mymindthismind I have a I haveaI havea mind oh so many turning bells and joltingwonders what will I be and become Suddenly I RememberOne day David whispered
Can I tell you a secret? This was at recess by Lincoln School’s white brick wall. Because it was his cousin Justin I loved I hoped I would hear Justin still slept with my picture under his pillow (once Justin embraced me far beneath the swimming pool surface; once he held my hand at the planetarium beneath a black sky of artificial stars). A week before, I’d seen tears on Justin’s face when I cut off my hair to look like a boy, and he said he no longer liked me. But instead, without speaking, David kissed me inside my shivering ear.
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